An Ending

In less than a month our little guy will turn one. So the weaning process has begun and has brought on an array of emotions. Many people don't breastfeed through the entire first year and I do understand why. I was fully committed with Elyas and worked hard to do the same with Isaac, although I can say that it was much, much more difficult.

First off, you are breastfeeding AND taking care of another child at the same time. Kind of hard to correct or assist a 3 year old when you have a baby attached to your boob. Seriously, it's no joke. But as time passed, I got better and better at it. One day I even iced cupcakes while breastfeeding. Seriously, I did. Then Isaac got older and decided he wouldn't continue if there was even the slightest movement or noise to disturb his peaceful moment. Whoa-things just got harder. But I prevailed. That's when the TV came in handy and some very specific rules about what can and can't happen when he was attached to me. Good thing Elyas loves TV and is a fairly good rule follower.

So as we are closing in on the next big stage, I wanted to stop and reflect about this moment because to me it is a big deal. Knowing that we are planning on not having any more children, it feels like such a ending to a part of my life that has been one of the most rewarding and at the same time extremely demanding (yes, I know my last post was about a 3rd child but it's not happening--I don't have the energy and I'm growing too old for that). Knowing that I will never breastfeed again makes me feel a great sadness. I have provided him with the healthiest type of nourishment for over 11 months now and feel that this bond is truly a one of a kind experience.

I know this signifies independence and him growing up, but there is this part of me that wants to freeze this moment. I secretly want him to stop growing and stay in this sweet, innocent phase of life. I never want to stop kissing his toes, singing him lullabies, and loving on him 24-7. Jason often says to him "don't worry, you will be 3 years old soon" indicating that he has it easy compared to Elyas (which he does....some days I have to work sooo hard to be patient with our energetic strong-willed almost 4 year old). And every time he says this it makes me yearn for him to stop growing up so fast. I will never have another baby this age and that thought makes me want to weep.

The hardest part about this ending is the emotion behind it. One moment I'm ecstatic about it being over. I think about how I will soon have my body back and can have a drink whenever I want. Then another moment, I'm stroking his little feet while he is feeding before bed and I can't believe this year has flown by and is over. Then there is the acne that started when I started dropping feedings. And the mood swings. Oh the mood swings. My poor Jason is such a trooper.

So as I stop and reflect, what I want to remember most is that as a human being, I have done something miraculous. I birthed a baby and then did what my body was made to do. I nourished this baby and was his life line. I gave him nutrients with lots of love mixed in for the perfect milk cocktail. All in all, I rocked it. I made sacrifices so that he could thrive and have a very natural diet for his first year. And for this I am truly grateful. Now if anyone wants to come over and celebrate my big accomplishment, just give me a call. I'm almost free to have a drink whenever I choose! Cheers!